I live in Southeast, somewhere between Stark and Division, and when fall falls, I fall for fall. Each stroll down Belmont or ramble through Laurelhurst (with my squirrel-mad companion) goes a long way to restoring the hit points I lose during routine skirmishes with bandits, highwaymen and other villainous service providers.

Perhaps a few observations from my most recent expedition will be of interest.

Has anyone seen Phil (see above)? This is on the pole at SE 25th and Madison. Go home Phil! Please.

The incomprehensible crosswalk at SE 20th and Hawthorne has a stern robot voice that says “Wait!” in a scarily authoritarian manner. I have found myself on more than one occasion yelling in reply, “Screw you, asshole! I’m through taking orders!” And when it’s finally time to walk, it sounds like someone is firing a machine gun. This bodes ill. Are we being conditioned to obey commands?

What else? It really bothers me when Safeway or Freddy’s is out of those complimentary hand-wipes by the door. I’ve seen way too many apocalyptic plague movies and it has def affected my normally tolerant and easygoing attitude toward communal hygiene.

Speaking of Safeway, here’s the recently face-lifted apartment complex next door to the Hawthorne Safeway. What say ye? A subtle addition to a rapidly changing zip code or the latest example of Shitbox Moderne speedily thrown together by the lowest bidder?

It’s getting serious out there. We really need to do something about the housing situation in Portland. Even the goddamn Frankensteins are homeless.